Sick day, that means topics like: BEARDS!!!! and some s*** about bad TV

You know how being sick sucks?
Yeah I bet you do.
Your body is fighting an inner battle with some kind of virus or other badass stuff, so you shut down for a while and it hurts to move and speak about complicated stuff like space, maths, elves, bears, whales and other wonderful stuff that I am sure that everybody else loves. The battle going on inside you is like taken out from one of the intense scenes in all the Vietnam war movies or LOTR, so your body just can’t concentrate on anything else.
When this happens to me I also tend to fall into a deep depression, which is followed by self-pity, as though I’ve just been diagnosed with some kind of life threatening disease, and my mum gets really frustrated with me and tells me to man up, which makes it even worse, and I end up in my bed for days without moving and I curse everybody for not understanding my pain and the horrors my body is experiencing.
This then ends up with me watching everything on the TV, which tends to be a load of crap that is not doing anyone any good. Unfortunately for me last time I was going through this awful deseace, called the flu, sounds like it is just a little thing, but it is not! I imagine it to be almost as bad as childbirth, and I think many men will agree with me on this one. Anyway, there was Gossip Girl marathon on one of the channels, and the remote was like at least three meters away from me, and in that moment my body was almost losing the war against all the evil viruses and I just couldn’t move. It had NOTHING to do with me wanting to watch this program. But it ended up that way. I got sucked into it, I just sat there like in some kind of trance, unable to move, and unable to think. Which makes Gossip Girl really easy to watch, because when you’re in a state where you’re not able to think or move, it is quite a good series to watch.
As the day went by, my body started to win the epic battle that was going on inside me, I see it like the scene in LOTR where Gandalf comes on a white horse and saves the day. Eventually my brain slowly started to work and I realized what was going on in this series, and I began to angrily find huge, gaping holes in the terrible story lines.
So I made this, which I call, the Big Black Holes In Gossip Girl’s Plot:

• How do you get cake so fast? I mean, every time you have a last minute party, which is like every episode, you get the best cakes ever, and there’s more than one, it is like hundreds of cakes, just on a last minute call to the baker? Is he a magician this baker? Does he poop them out? How does it even work?
• And why is it that when you call someone they pick up on the first ring? Are they all just sitting by the phone constantly and waiting for a call about a new massive upper east side Manhattan scheme?
• And why is it when you hang up, or leave the room, you never say goodbye to each other? You just leave the other one hanging there like a massive creep. Like, are you trying to make an awkward situation on purpose here? Have you rich people got no manners?

I found myself sitting there shouting at the TV, and then I realized, I just love sitting and hating this don’t I? You massive weirdo, I thought to myself…
But before I end this horrible blog post I just have to say one more thing about this show that I really hate: Why does nobody have a beard?!
I LOVE beards! And I am sure that if there were more beards in this show I would have maybe liked it a little more.
So I am not making this blog about Gossip Girl and the big black holes in their stupid rich lives, this is going to be about beards. Every male should have one… why?
Here are some examples:


Here is one of the guys in Gossip Girl:

Is he lame or not?!

But look at this:

YEEAH! Suddenly I like him!

* It makes you look more wild and mysterious, and it looks like you know how to chop wood.

* It can also make you look smarter like our favorite author in Norway, Henrik Ibsen, photo here:

Doesn't he look smart?!
*It is manly, it well with all kinds of clothes and makes your face look bigger than it really is.
* Girls don’t want to kiss some smoothed faced pretty boy. We want a man with a beard that looks like he can uphold an intelligent conversation, build things, and fight a bear if necessary  

So I want to make a Beard Awareness Day, you know like we have Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Secretary Days and a lot of other highly important days? We should have one for beards as well. People need to know that beards are highly necessary for the world to have. This is very important you guys, so here is a photo for you:

So step up to everyone! FIGHT FOR BEARDS, like my awesome white blood cells fought bravely for me today, and you know what? They won! Cause they’re winners! So be a winner and let that Beard grow out. 


Here are some guys that we all love, because of their beards, and to show you how important it is to have a beard I have made a little montage of pictures to prove my point: 


Ryan Gosling:
Without a beard: Meh....

With beard: YEAH!

Robert Downey Jr.

Without beard: Meh...

With beard: YEAH!!! 

Edward Norton.

Without a beard: Meh...

With beard: HELL YEAH

And to prove my point even more, here is me with a beard:

YEAH!! WINNING! 

Hope you all see how important beards are! 

xoxo

Why it is hard when your Parent is a Psychologist..

The Evil truth about Hamsters: Be aware, this will blow your mind!

Hamsters: those cute little things that you keep in your room in cages. You can take them out and play with them and you never have to think about them ever doing any harm. This is what I thought too, so don’t be embarrassed, I was a fool like you all.

It was a beautiful spring day in May, I was probably around 11 years old, the time where all girls start to harass their parents about cute little things they can have in cages. Who hasn’t heard this phrase (or said it): “I promise, I will clean the cage, just please give me one!”
I did, and I won the battle - my mum stupidly gave into my request for a hamster and we went to the pet store to get one. But when we arrived the hamsters all lived together and the woman that worked there assured us that they would feel lonely if we didn’t take at least two (that evil monster of a saleswoman, if I ever meet her again I will give her a piece of my mind). So there we left, I was so overly happy and assured that my hamsters would live a happy ever after life. And since they where both girls we would never have to worry about babies.

The thing that makes Hamsters monsters rule # 1:
Even if the evil sales woman assure you they are both girls, you can never know, because they can apparently hide their real gender really well. And just a couple of weeks later you have at least doubled your amount of Hamsters.

The thing that makes Hamsters monsters rule # 2:
You now have to take care of at least four hamsters, and get a new cage, which makes the job you promised your mom in the first place pretty hard to uphold!

The thing that makes Hamsters monsters rule # 3:
You might not know that these little babies mature really REALLY quickly, and then the father of the original babies makes more babies with his previous babies. This results in tiny hamsters that are riddled with incest, and never mature and just lay there without ever getting hair or growing. So in the end your mum has to flush them in the toilet, or get rid of them in some other traumatic way.

Now that you have learned all there is to be aware of , I can tell you the worst of all worst things that happened to me.
I had now separated all of the hamsters except two that were together in a cage because they seemed to get on really well. One day when I was going to school I looked down on them and they where playing “you are it”, with one running after the other all over the cage. It made me smile and laugh and I went of to school thinking that now my troubles where finally over. I was wrong. I came home, did my homework, ate my dinner and then went up to my room to check on my little sweethearts. What I stumbled upon was like the bloodiest CSI crime scene you can ever imagine! The truth was, they where certainly not playing when I left them in the morning. Apparently one of them was actually running for his life! The other hamster had been running around biting the other, until it was too tired to keep going. And the bloodthirsty bastard killer had not stopped there. It had start eating the other poor hamster from its back, pulling out its insides and spreading them all over the cage. I was devastated, I looked with great fear in my eyes at my bloodthirsty psycho killer hamster, and it looked back at me, and I could see he was happy with his sick gruesome cannibalistic work. That is when I really realized: Hamsters are EVIL. Pure evil, sent from the Devil himself. No animal that is supposed to eat only vegetation eats it’s own friend, when he has loads of food and water. This is just evil, nothing else.

Since then I have always expressed my feelings for hamsters in a negative way, and swore from that day that I would never come near one again.
It was therefore not a good surprise when my sister (again the same age), came home with one. I told her my horrible experience with these gruesome, horrible animals, but she said as long as it was alone and got loads of attention it would be fine. But my sister is away at her fathers every other week, and that makes it very hard, cause then it is up to me or my mum to give it food and other supplies. It went well until the week my mum went away and me and hamster where alone in the house. I went and walked around the cage for ages, cursing the little bastard for even existing. Then I looked at it, and as you know, these bloodthirsty cannibals are really cute to look at, example here:

But really I know, that when we look away they really are something like this: 

But good hearted as I am, I started thinking: Maybe I should give this one a change? It looks nice enough..
I walked to the cage and opened it, as soon as it came out of its little house I quickly changed my mind. I will not be able to play with this animal, or cuddle with it. There are just too many memories(just see picture above and you will know what I am talking about). So I sat down, and as usual when I sit down my brain finally start to think, and I found a solution to the problem, so I did not have to even get the hamster out of it’s cage, but still keep it company:

War Against the Shower, Hint: the Shower Always Wins!

It has come to my attention that I have a unusual relationship with my shower. I asked my friends if they had this sort of complications when it came to showering, but none of them understood what I was talking about. So I made a really bad Comic strip about this little irrelevant thing that really hazards my everyday life: 

If there is anybody out there that feels the same way, just know: You are not alone anymore! 

The Epic beginning!

The Vikings strike back

Hello everybody.
This is my first blog post, and I have been thinking about how to make a great first post that people will actually read and find funny.
So I guess I will start by saying that I’m a girl, I come from Iceland – which in itself should make you super interested, because there are not many of us - but I live in Norway (boooo, no volcano’s).
I call this blog The Viking Diaries, because this is a beginning of an EPIC journey full of magic and wonders.
You’re probably sitting there thinking ‘The Vikings? Weren’t they some bastards that went around Europe raping and plundering poor innocent monks and nuns a thousand years ago?’ You are absolutely right!
But now, all these centuries later, I still sit here and live off that proud moment of my people. Yes, a little pathetic you might think, but if you look at the rest of what we have done there isn’t much else to look back on.
So, I made a plan, some may call it brilliant, some evil, but it is definitely going to be pure awesome. And to understand this plan you must hear the story of how it all began:

I sat in my room and felt sad, and I had no idea why. It was like this big emptiness inside, that was eating me up slowly, like there was an over fed monster in there just sort of gnawing at my insides. I told myself that I had to get myself together and go out and get some fresh air. You know how people say that? Like “go out and get some fresh air, that always helps”. Well, it did not help me this time, and I find that it never ever does - what if I am diagnosed with some kind of life threatening disease or my house burns down, I should just go out and breath the air and my problems will suddenly go away? Anyway, this post is not about loopholes in people’s statements.  
But I did go out and hoped that this time it might work, nothing else had done in a couple of days. It didn’t. I felt more depressed. I looked around me and just felt empty and sad. There most be more to this world? I can’t describe the feeling any better than it must have been how Mulan (in the Disney movie by the same name) felt when she had to dress up like the ghosts in those horror movies the Grudge and the Ring, and sang a very touching song about the subject.
My mum tried to help me by making my favorite dinner, my friends by telling me funny stories of their weekends, but nothing helped, I was doomed to walk this stupid earth with the feeling of not belonging. It even came to that point where I did like a movie stunt in the rain, getting down on my knees, looking up at the sky and screaming: WHY?!!! WHY??!
But that dramatic and desperate event did not help either.
Then after several days in my bed, without showering, looking at the wall and just stinking all sorts of interesting/disgusting (you choose) smells, my sister came knocking on the door and asked me to watch a movie called How to Train Your Dragon. I just acted like a robot and went to the living room, sat down, and the movie started.
Suddenly it came back, the feelings, the joy! I sat through the whole movie, laughed when the dragon did funny things, cried, when it got hurt, got confused when it got confused. It was like my life was given back to me, now I knew what was wrong. I was born in the wrong time and age! I had never realized. There is no magic left in this world, no dragons –I know that dragons have never existed, but at least people believed they did before!
So I was like “DAMN IT! MUM??!”
My mum came running up thinking probably that the whole world was going under, which it was, for me, “Why couldn’t you have me like a thousand years ago, when there was big boats, epic swords, armor, princes and knights, and DRAGONS?!”, my mum looked very confused at me “My dear, dragons don’t exist, and I wasn’t even born then, how could I have had you?”. I looked at her like she was the source of all evil and went to my room and made sure to slam the door. Stupid mum, acting like I’M the crazy one, I thought to myself. This is when the idea came to my mind, just like that: who says you can’t be a Viking?
“Yeah, stupid brain, finally an answer for my gruesome unhappiness, I will become a Viking! I shall get a boat, a sword, and 500 men, and a wolf, and a bear, and an eagle cause that is what they had in those days right?” But what will I do as a Viking? It is not like I can go to England or Scotland anymore, and rape and plunder them, they have an army now, dicks, it is like very big…hmmm…what nation has pretty women (for my raping and pillaging army), no real army, and is inoffensive enough to not suspect or see me coming?
This was a harder question to answer; since we Scandinavians are that inoffensive, beautiful, nice people nowadays, and the rest of the world has huge armies with atomic bombs and probably laser swords and Iron Man hidden somewhere. I sat down cause I was exhausted from all this fast thinking, and then my brain started working again: what about Canada?  I smiled to myself, I have an image of that moment in my brain that I looked like Gollum in LOTR when he finally got the ring of Frodo; no shower in days, wearing nothing but a dirty t-shirt and some underpants, hair dirty and scabby looking, and no sleep for too long time will do that to me.
So it was settled, I would go to rape and plunder Canada, and those nice, inoffensive bastards would NEVER see it coming, I had a long very evil laugh, until my little sister came in and looked at me like I was a gross rat that she really just wanted to kill instantly. But lucky for me she didn’t. When I told her my brilliant/evil plan, she said it would never work, and that I was stupid and should act like a real adult and a role model….and that we could play it instead with her Lego set. So we did:  

I realize now that you might think I am crazy, and to make you more sure of your decision, my sister didn't have a Lego set, I did, and she did not help me make this....