The Vikings strike back
Hello everybody.
This is my first blog post, and I have been thinking about how to make a great first post that people will actually read and find funny.
So I guess I will start by saying that I’m a girl, I come from Iceland – which in itself should make you super interested, because there are not many of us - but I live in Norway (boooo, no volcano’s).
I call this blog The Viking Diaries, because this is a beginning of an EPIC journey full of magic and wonders.
You’re probably sitting there thinking ‘The Vikings? Weren’t they some bastards that went around Europe raping and plundering poor innocent monks and nuns a thousand years ago?’ You are absolutely right!
But now, all these centuries later, I still sit here and live off that proud moment of my people. Yes, a little pathetic you might think, but if you look at the rest of what we have done there isn’t much else to look back on.
So, I made a plan, some may call it brilliant, some evil, but it is definitely going to be pure awesome. And to understand this plan you must hear the story of how it all began:
I sat in my room and felt sad, and I had no idea why. It was like this big emptiness inside, that was eating me up slowly, like there was an over fed monster in there just sort of gnawing at my insides. I told myself that I had to get myself together and go out and get some fresh air. You know how people say that? Like “go out and get some fresh air, that always helps”. Well, it did not help me this time, and I find that it never ever does - what if I am diagnosed with some kind of life threatening disease or my house burns down, I should just go out and breath the air and my problems will suddenly go away? Anyway, this post is not about loopholes in people’s statements.
But I did go out and hoped that this time it might work, nothing else had done in a couple of days. It didn’t. I felt more depressed. I looked around me and just felt empty and sad. There most be more to this world? I can’t describe the feeling any better than it must have been how Mulan (in the Disney movie by the same name) felt when she had to dress up like the ghosts in those horror movies the Grudge and the Ring, and sang a very touching song about the subject.
My mum tried to help me by making my favorite dinner, my friends by telling me funny stories of their weekends, but nothing helped, I was doomed to walk this stupid earth with the feeling of not belonging. It even came to that point where I did like a movie stunt in the rain, getting down on my knees, looking up at the sky and screaming: WHY?!!! WHY??!
But that dramatic and desperate event did not help either.
Then after several days in my bed, without showering, looking at the wall and just stinking all sorts of interesting/disgusting (you choose) smells, my sister came knocking on the door and asked me to watch a movie called How to Train Your Dragon. I just acted like a robot and went to the living room, sat down, and the movie started.
Suddenly it came back, the feelings, the joy! I sat through the whole movie, laughed when the dragon did funny things, cried, when it got hurt, got confused when it got confused. It was like my life was given back to me, now I knew what was wrong. I was born in the wrong time and age! I had never realized. There is no magic left in this world, no dragons –I know that dragons have never existed, but at least people believed they did before!
So I was like “DAMN IT! MUM??!”
My mum came running up thinking probably that the whole world was going under, which it was, for me, “Why couldn’t you have me like a thousand years ago, when there was big boats, epic swords, armor, princes and knights, and DRAGONS?!”, my mum looked very confused at me “My dear, dragons don’t exist, and I wasn’t even born then, how could I have had you?”. I looked at her like she was the source of all evil and went to my room and made sure to slam the door. Stupid mum, acting like I’M the crazy one, I thought to myself. This is when the idea came to my mind, just like that: who says you can’t be a Viking?
“Yeah, stupid brain, finally an answer for my gruesome unhappiness, I will become a Viking! I shall get a boat, a sword, and 500 men, and a wolf, and a bear, and an eagle cause that is what they had in those days right?” But what will I do as a Viking? It is not like I can go to England or Scotland anymore, and rape and plunder them, they have an army now, dicks, it is like very big…hmmm…what nation has pretty women (for my raping and pillaging army), no real army, and is inoffensive enough to not suspect or see me coming?
This was a harder question to answer; since we Scandinavians are that inoffensive, beautiful, nice people nowadays, and the rest of the world has huge armies with atomic bombs and probably laser swords and Iron Man hidden somewhere. I sat down cause I was exhausted from all this fast thinking, and then my brain started working again: what about Canada? I smiled to myself, I have an image of that moment in my brain that I looked like Gollum in LOTR when he finally got the ring of Frodo; no shower in days, wearing nothing but a dirty t-shirt and some underpants, hair dirty and scabby looking, and no sleep for too long time will do that to me.
So it was settled, I would go to rape and plunder Canada, and those nice, inoffensive bastards would NEVER see it coming, I had a long very evil laugh, until my little sister came in and looked at me like I was a gross rat that she really just wanted to kill instantly. But lucky for me she didn’t. When I told her my brilliant/evil plan, she said it would never work, and that I was stupid and should act like a real adult and a role model….and that we could play it instead with her Lego set. So we did:
Hello everybody.
This is my first blog post, and I have been thinking about how to make a great first post that people will actually read and find funny.
So I guess I will start by saying that I’m a girl, I come from Iceland – which in itself should make you super interested, because there are not many of us - but I live in Norway (boooo, no volcano’s).
I call this blog The Viking Diaries, because this is a beginning of an EPIC journey full of magic and wonders.
You’re probably sitting there thinking ‘The Vikings? Weren’t they some bastards that went around Europe raping and plundering poor innocent monks and nuns a thousand years ago?’ You are absolutely right!
But now, all these centuries later, I still sit here and live off that proud moment of my people. Yes, a little pathetic you might think, but if you look at the rest of what we have done there isn’t much else to look back on.
So, I made a plan, some may call it brilliant, some evil, but it is definitely going to be pure awesome. And to understand this plan you must hear the story of how it all began:
I sat in my room and felt sad, and I had no idea why. It was like this big emptiness inside, that was eating me up slowly, like there was an over fed monster in there just sort of gnawing at my insides. I told myself that I had to get myself together and go out and get some fresh air. You know how people say that? Like “go out and get some fresh air, that always helps”. Well, it did not help me this time, and I find that it never ever does - what if I am diagnosed with some kind of life threatening disease or my house burns down, I should just go out and breath the air and my problems will suddenly go away? Anyway, this post is not about loopholes in people’s statements.
But I did go out and hoped that this time it might work, nothing else had done in a couple of days. It didn’t. I felt more depressed. I looked around me and just felt empty and sad. There most be more to this world? I can’t describe the feeling any better than it must have been how Mulan (in the Disney movie by the same name) felt when she had to dress up like the ghosts in those horror movies the Grudge and the Ring, and sang a very touching song about the subject.
My mum tried to help me by making my favorite dinner, my friends by telling me funny stories of their weekends, but nothing helped, I was doomed to walk this stupid earth with the feeling of not belonging. It even came to that point where I did like a movie stunt in the rain, getting down on my knees, looking up at the sky and screaming: WHY?!!! WHY??!
But that dramatic and desperate event did not help either.
Then after several days in my bed, without showering, looking at the wall and just stinking all sorts of interesting/disgusting (you choose) smells, my sister came knocking on the door and asked me to watch a movie called How to Train Your Dragon. I just acted like a robot and went to the living room, sat down, and the movie started.
Suddenly it came back, the feelings, the joy! I sat through the whole movie, laughed when the dragon did funny things, cried, when it got hurt, got confused when it got confused. It was like my life was given back to me, now I knew what was wrong. I was born in the wrong time and age! I had never realized. There is no magic left in this world, no dragons –I know that dragons have never existed, but at least people believed they did before!
So I was like “DAMN IT! MUM??!”
My mum came running up thinking probably that the whole world was going under, which it was, for me, “Why couldn’t you have me like a thousand years ago, when there was big boats, epic swords, armor, princes and knights, and DRAGONS?!”, my mum looked very confused at me “My dear, dragons don’t exist, and I wasn’t even born then, how could I have had you?”. I looked at her like she was the source of all evil and went to my room and made sure to slam the door. Stupid mum, acting like I’M the crazy one, I thought to myself. This is when the idea came to my mind, just like that: who says you can’t be a Viking?
“Yeah, stupid brain, finally an answer for my gruesome unhappiness, I will become a Viking! I shall get a boat, a sword, and 500 men, and a wolf, and a bear, and an eagle cause that is what they had in those days right?” But what will I do as a Viking? It is not like I can go to England or Scotland anymore, and rape and plunder them, they have an army now, dicks, it is like very big…hmmm…what nation has pretty women (for my raping and pillaging army), no real army, and is inoffensive enough to not suspect or see me coming?
This was a harder question to answer; since we Scandinavians are that inoffensive, beautiful, nice people nowadays, and the rest of the world has huge armies with atomic bombs and probably laser swords and Iron Man hidden somewhere. I sat down cause I was exhausted from all this fast thinking, and then my brain started working again: what about Canada? I smiled to myself, I have an image of that moment in my brain that I looked like Gollum in LOTR when he finally got the ring of Frodo; no shower in days, wearing nothing but a dirty t-shirt and some underpants, hair dirty and scabby looking, and no sleep for too long time will do that to me.
So it was settled, I would go to rape and plunder Canada, and those nice, inoffensive bastards would NEVER see it coming, I had a long very evil laugh, until my little sister came in and looked at me like I was a gross rat that she really just wanted to kill instantly. But lucky for me she didn’t. When I told her my brilliant/evil plan, she said it would never work, and that I was stupid and should act like a real adult and a role model….and that we could play it instead with her Lego set. So we did:
I realize now that you might think I am crazy, and to make you more sure of your decision, my sister didn't have a Lego set, I did, and she did not help me make this....
Have you ever considered to convert your dream of beeing a viking to beeing a ninja-viking? Then you could go rape all of England and Scotland (and Wales, as if anybody cares) undercover, ninja-viking-style. It would work as if you took the cloak of invisibility from Harry Potter and gave it to Eric Bloodaxe (Eirik Blodøks).
ReplyDeleteAs for the huge sized hamster, it scared the shit out of me. Thats one badass rodent!
And as for the smell, I think I recently read that babies are nauseated by the smell of clean shirts. Thus, we can conclude that babies everywhere will soon unite in a great quest to find you and smell you, and not throw up because of it. IMHO a win-win situation. Except, perhaps, for the parents of the babies. I hope you'll return the babies when you eventually take a shower (or, will you ever shower again?).
Ninja - Vikings will maybe be the next plot to my Lego movie! I have to brief it with the actors of course, and maybe get in some new one's! But thanks for the Idea!
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't know about the shower, as you see we aren't that good friends....but maybe I will come around one day, before I lose all my friends and babies surround me....!
One word, LARP. Maybe you would like it ;)
ReplyDelete